Everyone is familiar with those moments where, you just end up going blank... and all you have is a feeling of disappointment... helplessness... sadness... and extreme loneliness... Sometimes, it's triggered by someone saying something that rips out the joy out of you... where all your sense of security and comfort just drains away into a black hole that suddenly appears and forms in your heart and soul. Where one moment you are brimming with unfathomably profound emotions, be it positive or negative, your mind is full of things to say and express... and then suddenly, the voice in your head and all those "feelings" in your being just suddenly goes blank. It's now suddenly dark, quiet and empty. Silence replaces and fills the space completely and in that moment where words escape your very mouth and thoughts - you are ultimately defeated. Very few people have such deep access to that most intimate part of your person who can draw out such a void. Very few people can dig such an endlessly dark pit in the deepest recesses of your soul that shuts everything up. You are thus beyond malfunctioning... you are broken. Doubt creeps in... until finally, you are truly and knowingly afraid and alone.
Darkness, my old friend. It is not blindness that brings you near but the total absence of thought.
An omnipresent nagging fiend. Like being in a spider's web, I squirm and try to wriggle out, but alas I'm caught.Will joy ever again come calling with a ring? Is it shrill stubbornness to hope or am I just dumb?Or have I always just dug myself a pit from which even my soul can't ever flee?What sorrows doth the morrow bring? Will I even feel that sorrow or will it all go numb?Is there really such a thing as happily every after for someone like me?
In candor I am loathed, in secrecy, detestable.
Neither the breath of honesty nor the privileges of privacy shall afford me protection or comfort - it ends the same way.
In commitment I lose my freedom, my very nature itself curtailed. Yet despite taking in liberty this sacrifice I am awarded with spite. And through it all... I ask myself the same old question, "when will I be happy...?"
I'm tired... truly tired... tired of all this sorrow... so tired of feeling damned crappy.